Part 1.
Recently I asked a prominent men’s issues activist what he thought was the motivation behind so many women’s hostility toward men. He replied immediately, “The patriarchy. They’re scared to death of the patriarchy. Imagine being exposed your whole life to incessant stories about men’s inherent urge to control and dominate women.”
I replied that I disagreed. “Pointing to the patriarchy is just a tactic women and girls use for keeping scrutiny on maleness, keeping men and boys on the defensive and giving women a free pass for whatever horrible behavior they want to commit against men and boys. Women know they have power; they know that many men are powerless and even the men who have power have it only in narrow spaces.”
I continued, “Women aren’t afraid of the bad things that men do. They are afraid of all of the good things we can do that they want to be the only ones with the cultural franchise to do. They don’t want to give us equality in their domain any more than we wanted to give them equality in ours. And if you think about it, which domain is more glorious, the male domain of making money and having jobs or the female domain of being able to prioritize relationships with people you truly, genuinely deeply care about — especially your kids? Which stereotypes are more damaging, the ideas that women can’t do math and cry too much, or the ideas that men are violent, cruel, selfish, and controlling and therefore must submit to the power and control of women in our families. communities and other social relationships?
It is, after all quite clear from the longest and most respected study of what makes for a happy life that the answer is simply but profoundly our relationships. No, it’s not the patriarchy that makes them want to control us. It’s their strongly felt need to disqualify us from our growing demand that they fully share with us the domain that matters most. And it’s not just that they will have to share that domain, but that they will at long last have to acknowledge that we bring to that domain important skills and talents that are much more embedded in male culture than in female culture. Women were quite adept at bringing needed reforms to corporate culture. They fear our ability to overthrow and discard hubristic ‘I’m the mother’ attitudes toward their parenting.”
I wrapped up with my friend by saying, “Women like to say that if they controlled international relations there would be no wars. We should take that bet on the condition that in exchange we get to take charge of raising the kids. Women would not be able to stop wars, but we would be able to do a much better job of raising kids because we’re much better at respecting and playing by the simple rules that have been the basis of civilization for thousands of years, and we’re much better at consistently imposing and enforcing consequences with “firmth” — an essential mix of firmness and warmth — for violations of those rules.
And we know from exposure to sports coaches good and bad that the essence of discipline is to treat kids as our beloved disciples — people to be taught, even if sometimes the hard way — rather than to be excused for testing and transgressing rules, guidelines and boundaries.
That, in a word, is FatherPower. And many, many, many women are afraid of how good it is and how much better it could be if they were required to honor FatherPower. It’s FatherPower they’re afraid of, not some phony, archaic notion of an omnipotent, omnipresent, evil patriarchy.
They can say they’re afraid of patriarchy. They can’t say, without looking petty and selfish, that they are afraid of FatherPower. So it is the negative stereotypes embedded in feminist concoctions of patriarchy that they harp upon; it is the many positive aspects of FatherPower that they want to belittle and ignore.
FatherPower is the wheelhouse for men and boys, whether they are fathers or not, whether they intend to have children or not. Any man or boy who wants to be seen as fully human is hurt when FatherPower is demeaned.
No, it is not the patriarchy and the bad things some men sometimes do that makes women see us as threats. It is the good things we can do and do well that most scares women who want to share their domain no more than we wanted to share ours.
We understand. We did it too. We can forgive women if they will step up and help us fix this mess as we admittedly belatedly did for them.
The Matrinet
It’s not an -archy, it’s a network.
Rosie the Riveter,
meet Charles the Childraiser
Thanks for this thoughtful and provocative article Jack. You have highlighted the unique strengths of fathers. Emphasising the importance of male caregiving is a valuable contribution to a broader conversation that too often overlooks men's positive role.
I like Charles the Childraiser as the complement to Rosie the Riveter!